Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[Seadoobuddy]

Backseat Driver

My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst backseat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it.

She claims she seldom, if ever, makes comments about my driving. I, of course, claim the opposite. And now I have proof!

The other day, we were headed to the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"

 

[Sink]

A band instructor worked in a big city and had a terrible trumpet section with one player in particular who was really bad.
One day he had had enough of him and pulled out a gun and shot him.
Obviously he went to prison and was given the death sentence.
For his last meal the guard came in and asked him what he wanted.
He said he wanted a case of bananas so the guard brought him the bananas and he ate them all.
After he finished eating they took him to the electric chair.

They started off with a low shock.... He shook a bit, but didn't die.
So they upped the power a bit..... He shook a little bit more but still didn't die.
So they maxed out the power and shocked him again!!!!! He shook again but still didn't die, so they let him go free.

Before he left they asked him why he didn't die. Was it the bananas?

No he replied..........................................




Wait for it..........












I'm just a bad conductor

 

[bigJake]

There are fewer than 10 months until election day when the people will decide who will be the next President of the United States

The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It's that time that we all need to come together, Democrats and Republicans alike, in a bipartisan effort for America:

If you will support the Republican nominee, please drive with your headlights ON during the day.

If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights OFF at night.

Together, we can make it happen.

 

[Sink]

Why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked.. 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her tobuy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?' Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

 

[Sink]

I was driving through town the other day and this guy in front of my stopped... I must have been following a bit too close and I hit hit....

The guy jump out of his car to come chew me out and I noticed he was a "little person" (to be politically correct here).

He came back to my car SCREAMING!!!! He said, "I want you to know I'm not happy!"

I said, " which one are you then?"

 

[griz400]

A bear and a rabbit out in the forest sittin on a log takin a crap, when the bear asked the rabbit, does poop stick to your fur ????
the rabbit says , sometimes, so the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him .....

 

[griz400]

Vegetables

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables."

 

[scooper77515]

Not really a joke, but pretty funny anyways.

These are Doggles and you can order them online. Sunglasses for your dog.

Our pup isn't quite comfortable with them yet, but this is only the 2nd or 3rd time she has tried them on.

 

[griz400]

While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!".

 

[Seadoobuddy]

The Secret to a Long Marriage

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired, "Trips to where"?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete."

Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."

Pete said, "I'm going to go get her."

 

[Sink]

The Captain is sitting on his bridge. His first mate comes running up and says, "Captain! There are 3 ships on the horizon!". The Captain replies, "Bring me my red shirt. That way if I'm shot, my men wont see the blood and keep fighting"!

They fight the battle and win with no casualties.

The next day, the first mate comes running up to the captain and says, "Capatain! There are 20 ships on the horizon!" The Captain replies. "Bring me my brown pants!"

 

[scooper77515]

Sex?

I hope I can get away with this one. Not out of bounds?

 

[lamajama]

A guy owned a small family marina. The Dept. of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the agent.

"Well" replied the owner, "there's the mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The yard guy has been here for 18 months and I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of burbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to- the half-wit", says the agent.

"You're talkin to him", replied the bos

 

[scooper77515]

good one lama! Good to see some fresh meat around here!

 

[griz400]

speakin of fresh meat ???? here u go.
One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat.
"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods. The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt.
"See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's

 

[Seadoobuddy]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[griz400]

Letter to Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids, great job, and a great education. When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing.

I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us, she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do?

Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks, A Fisherman

P. S. I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.

**********************************************************************

Dear Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow minded wife.

Abby

 

[lamajama]

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place...

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

 

[bigJake]

I hope I can get away with this one. Not out of bounds?

View attachment 11155

that lucky bastard, the wheel in my bedroom says "no sex" on EVERY one.

 

[lamajama]

One day a father leaves work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops in at a Toys-R-Us and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, & a key chain made with Ken's balls.

 

[bigJake]

get her a real doll. GI Joe with the kung fu grip!

 

[Sink]

After so many pages, I hope this isn't a redo...

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of one of your brothers. You know-the two beers and all."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that both my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, me-self, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

 

[scooper77515]

I think it has been posted, but I am not going to go back and re-read 25 pages to prove you wrong.

Good one, and good to see it again, if it is a repeat!

 

[griz400]

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

 

[griz400]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys were hunting in the forest when they unexpectedly came across a very large brown bear. Immediatey, they both took off running. After a few minutes, one guy abruptly stopped running, took off his backpack, and pulled out a pair of running shoes.

The other guy saw this and was wondering what was going on. So he stopped, ran back to the first guy and asked, "Why are you putting on your running shoes? Do you really think you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?"

The other guy replied, "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run YOU!"