Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

AKnarrowback

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There was a Country to the north of the USA that had no name. One day the inhabitants of the area got together and decided to come up with one.

"We need a simple name, one that is easily remembered" said one.

"Yes, maybe just letters, like our friends to the south" said another.

So it was decided that in one week, with the rest of the world watching, the leader of the territory would have a small child draw three letters out of a hat and the letters would be their name forever more.

So on live television the the little boy reached into the hat three times, handed the letter to the leader who, with great excitement, proclaimed each letter for all the world to hear.

"C! eh".

"N! eh".

"D! eh".

And that territory has forever been known as Canada by the rest of the world..........
 
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lamajama

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A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown New York and saw a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and if you are interested you'll have to go to
Philadelphia ."

"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.​
 

lamajama

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n the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.



After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees,

the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."



Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.


"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."


"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.


I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of ...."



Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get screwed."
 

lamajama

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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

“Do you want a bed near the window?”​
 

lamajama

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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago. The little boy had been looking out of the window. He
turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the
flight attendant. The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight
attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother
tell you to ask me?" The boy replied, "Yes, she did." “Well," said the
flight attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother
explain that to you.”​
 

lamajama

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Lexophile" is word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write
with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come
up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed
location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... The batteries were given out free of charge

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.​
And the cream of the twisted crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
 

lamajama

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A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus

in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely

and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to

see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus

with his lights flashing.


Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions,

the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus,

which he had just purchased the day before, was completely

ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car

body shop tried to make it new again.


After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant,

the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how

materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on

your possessions that you neglect the most important things in

life."


"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "You're so busy bitching about your

new Lexus that you don't even realize that your

left arm is missing! It was severed when the truck hit you!"


"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer

"My Rolex !!!!”
 

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