Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

#1
Since people sometimes take me as being too serious, and I have to tell them I am generally "just kidding", I want to start a thread where we can share jokes.

I will have to admit that none of these were written by me, but copied from other sources.

Some may be semi-offensive, and definitely politically incorrect, but that is how jokes are, right?

So sit back, have a laugh at others, or yourself if you see yourself in the jokes, and just enjoy the ride.

And if you get one in a forwarded email or hear one that isn't TOO OFFENSIVE (let's keep it at least "sorta" clean!) post it up here and share with the rest of us.

DISCLAIMER!!!--the opinions that follow may not reflect the opinions of Scooper, Seadooforums, or any living person! :reddevil: Mods, please delete if they get too raunchy. :cheers:

First one...

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered.
"I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
 
#2
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Long Legs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Long Legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long Legs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,

"Well, it might be OK in California or Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that stuff here in Kansas!"
 
#3
my, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy: "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him: "This is the one..... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on....."
 
#4
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response. He replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 
#5
Old one, you may have heard it in various forms...

phone rings at a small company somewhere in the midwest.

boss: hello how may i help you?
caller: its me boss, chow,me not come in today,me sick.
boss: whats wrong with you? how sick are you? we need you today.
chow: me all achy, not feel good at all,stiff, no want to do anything.
boss: well, ill tell ya what i do when i feel that way, i go home and have a lil go at the wife, and before ya know it, im 100%. try it and lemme know.
chow: ok me try it.

about 3 hours go by and lo and behold chow comes strutting into the shop,looking like hes never been better.

boss: well i see you took my advice,you look great

chow: thanks boss you got nice house!
 
#6
guy goes into a bar and orders a shot. barkeep says okie dokie, here ya go. guy drinks it up fast. barkeep says, want another?. guy looks into his vest and says, yea, sure ill have one more. drinks it up. barkeep again asks if hed like another. guy looks into his vest and another sure ill have one follows. this goes on for a bit and after about the 10th shot the barkeep goes. want another? guy looks into his vest and goes,naaa, ill just pay my tab, i gotta go.. barkeep goes ok, but i gotta ask ya one thing...hey, how come every time i ask you if ya want another drink you look into your vest?

well, the guy replies, ive got a picture of my ex-wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, i know ive had enough!
 
#7
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?

Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S. Government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.."
 
#9
Sorry to all the members that tend to go port.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't k now where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.
 
#10
There are 2 blondes at a river. One on one side and one on the other. The one blonde hollers over to the other "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde looks up and down the river and responds "You ARE on the other side!"
DAWG
 
#11
Little Johnny is in class and Miss Smith, the math teacher, asks "If there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many birds are left?" Little Johnny raises his hand and says " None, cause the sound of the gun shooting the first bird would scare the other 2 off." Miss Smith replies "No, there would be 2 birds left but I like your attitude."
Angered by her reply little Johnny says "O.K. I got one for you! There are 3 women sitting on a park bench. Each has a pop cycle. The first woman is licking the pop cycle, the second is biting the pop cycle and the third woman is sucking the pop cycle. Which woman is married?" The blushing math teacher hesitates and then says "Well, I guess it's the woman who is sucking the pop cycle." Little Johnny shouts out "WRONG!! It's the woman with the wedding ring! BUT I LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE!!!
 
#14
sorta boat related...

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "Everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the ; boss came down. "How many customers bought something rom you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod, a tackle box, and fishing line. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft, and told him if he didn't want to get lost, he better buy the latest navigational equipment too. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Lincoln Navigator."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a BOAT, a TRUCK, and all the rest?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot anyway, you should go fishing."
 
#15
you have also heard this one, in one of various forms...


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
 
#16
3 people in a bar. 1 is a Mexican, 1 is a Muslim, and 1 is an American. They are all drinking beer. The Mexican chugs his beer down, throws the glass up into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass. He yells something in spanish and say, "Never drink out of the same glass twice!"
The Muslim, not to be out done by a Mexican, does the same thing. Chugs his no alcoholic beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and blasts the glass into pieces. He says, "I never drink out of the same glass twice!"
The American, downs the remnants of his beer, sets the glass on the bar, pulls out his Smith and Wesson 40 Cal., shoots the Mexican and the Muslim and says, "I never drink with the same illegals twice!"
 

hfgreg

Administrator
#17
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
HAHAH This is the best one so far! LOL keep them coming. :hurray:
 
#18
Hey all, feel free to add your jokes to this thread so there isn't 25 separate joke threads.

This is "Scooper's" thread, but not all the jokes have to be mine!

I basically want to make a thread that is longer than Karl's "Last Post Wins" thread, so copy and paste em over, and add some more:hurray::hurray::hurray:
 
#19
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"
 
#21
Find Jesus?

Just a joke, so please take it as that and no offense. (I am just too nice a guy to offend anyone....)

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 
#22
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home
 
#23
Again...I cannot take credit for all of these. Most are cut-and-paste.

But join in and add your own to this thread. Let's make it a LONG thread...:cheers:
 
#24
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".