Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

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Stanley Cup Injury
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."
 
They can't all be zingers!

Glad to see page 23 go away. Seems like we were stuck there for a long time...
 
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water


Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.



With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.



"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
 
Walking along the beach, a guy finds a bottle. He picks it up and rubs it. Out pops a Genie. This was another low lever Genie that could only provide one wish so the guy wishes his manhood would touch the ground... and POOF! His legs fell off!
 
In court the other day there was a case regarding the custody of a small child.
The judge asked the boy, "do you want to live with your mother?"
He replied, "No I don't want to live with her because she beats me!".
The judge then asked, "Do you want to live with your father?"
The boy stated, "No he beats me too."
Finally the judge asked, "where do you want to live"
The child responded, "I want to live with the Montreal Canadiens!".
The judge asked, "Why do you want to live with the Montreal Canadiens?"
The boy exclaimed, "Because the Montreal Canadiens don't beat anybody!"
 
I need to post a rule, before THIS one gets out of hand...

The "...don't beat anybody" joke has been officially USED. It is against the rules to change the name of the football/baseball/or other sports team and consider it a different joke.
 
Good rule, Scooper

That should go for changing Blonde to redhead or vice versa, a priest, Irishman, German, to something new.
Also on just changing names in a joke, etc.
 
No, Griz, you told a good joke. I just used my crystal ball and saw that 25 other jokes were going to follow with other guys changing the teams trying to make the same joke.

Seadoobuddy is right. We cannot swap redheads for blonds. Even though I did, and married her, and still with her 20 years later :D

No joke..
 
Griz, if everybody that told a bad joke didn't post we wouldn't have many guys making posts.

This joke reminds me of another one that I'm sure has been around the block, and I'm sure has been used other places.

I heard this a few years ago when the U.K. basketball team was having an uncharacteristic bad year.

U.K. has decided to hire a new basketball coach, Linda Lovelace. Why? Because she doesn't choke on the big ones.

Lou
 
I think every team has been the "butt-end" of that joke at least once.

Same thing with the rich father buying his kid "name your team" because the kid wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit.
 
Not many new jokes anymore... Have probably heard most of them in one form or another.. The thing is, you can still laugh even if you've heard them before. New rule should be, don't post any jokes unless they are FUNNY!!!!! To someone at least. Pretty much leaves it OPEN TO ALL JOKES!!!! So what if you've heard it before. Maybe someone else hasn't.

Bring them on, Griz!!!! I love jokes!

A blonde walks into a bar... the redhead ducks!
 
two blondes walk into a bar, they just sustained minor bumps and bruises.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
 
Not So Dumb

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son"? The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you"? said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill"?

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
 
College Report

One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.

"Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" another friend suggested.

"I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."
 
Old man driving.jpg


A Police STOP at 2 am ....

An elderly man is stopped by the police and asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 
Season Tickets

A wife reading the newspaper to her husband said, "There's a classified ad in here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm."

"Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not."

"How sweet!"

"Season's more than half over."
 
Circle Flies

I heard this some time back, I'm not sure if it made this thread, if there are any Obama supporters left maybe they should skip this post.

President Obama was campaigning in Texas, at one stop on the Texas Prairie he was being pestered by flies buzzing around his head and he was becoming quite agitated.

He asked an old cowboy who was leaning against a fence, "what's the deal with these flies?"

The old cowboy replied, "around here they're called circle flies."

President Obama replied "why are they called circle flies?"

The old cowboy replied, "because they circle around a horse's rear end."

The President replied, "wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?"

The old cowboy replies, "oh no sir, you're the President of the United States, I would never call you a horse's ass; but it's hard to fool them flies."

Lou
 
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
 
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers. We drink 'til we throw
up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting
a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from
all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. ;If you get cancer - no
biggie,you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day... Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'
 
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