Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
- Start date
lamajama
Well-Known Member
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some
time there once, " then under his breath added " and had the worst sex
with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some
time there once, " then under his breath added " and had the worst sex
with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
Bob, an undertaker with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Bob replied: " Wrong room".
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Bob replied: " Wrong room".
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"
"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"
Yeah, but the wife is fixing me a sandwich, cuz we just finished having sex.
from that pig ??? a pork sandwich ???Yeah, but the wife is fixing me a sandwich, cuz we just finished having sex.
lamajama
Well-Known Member
In honour of St. Patrick's Day..
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this
time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for
$5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,
the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and
an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in
the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this
time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for
$5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,
the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and
an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in
the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few Seconds , then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Linda is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few Seconds , then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Linda is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
lamajama
Well-Known Member
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time and on budget. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decided to have a look at the project. No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place...very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turned out the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. After some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.
"Oh, that," said one of the workers - "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang".
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time and on budget. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decided to have a look at the project. No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place...very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turned out the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. After some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.
"Oh, that," said one of the workers - "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang".
bigJake
Well-Known Member
I don't know about that one. But you have to admit, "he" was kinda cute! :drool5:
Cell Phone
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game."
e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem. You didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange, or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation. End of
story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
We hope this clears up any confusion.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game."
e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem. You didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange, or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation. End of
story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
We hope this clears up any confusion.
A taxidermist was driving through Arkanas when he though he would stop at a local bar and have a beer.The locals didn't like outsiders in their bar and when he entered he was greeted with dirty stares and low mumbles.
He went to the bartender and ask for a beer.The bartender looked the man over and than went to get his beer. When the bartender returned with his beer he asked the man "what do you do?"
The man replied "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender replied "Taxidermist? what is that."
The man replied "Well,I mount animals,birds,and fish."
With that said the bartender turned to the other men in the bar and said "It's ok boys he's one of us".
He went to the bartender and ask for a beer.The bartender looked the man over and than went to get his beer. When the bartender returned with his beer he asked the man "what do you do?"
The man replied "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender replied "Taxidermist? what is that."
The man replied "Well,I mount animals,birds,and fish."
With that said the bartender turned to the other men in the bar and said "It's ok boys he's one of us".
lamajama
Well-Known Member
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she
came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips,
lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey
neighbor and then calmly replied:
"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she
came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips,
lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey
neighbor and then calmly replied:
"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
Great ones!
I went to the grocery store today, and bought the following...
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Ms. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status...
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Ms. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status...
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
Today's Joke
Mommy, I'm Scared!
One spring evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy!"
Mommy, I'm Scared!
One spring evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy!"
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.” They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?” “I think so,” replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!”
Similar threads
- Locked
- Locked
