Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

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LJ, you are sooooo baaaaddd.

But on the lighter side.
here is my new floor plan for a house we are going to build in Florida. My only wish is that we had a bigger lot for a 3 "car" garage and a basement that I'm used to up in Michigan. Thanks to Kev at Jetski Junkies for posting it on Facebook.
It's built over a canal that we will live on. The rooms may be a bit on the small size but I can adapt to them. :)

I think Y'all will love it.

Perfect House for a jetski&boat..jpg
 
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I was in St. Petersburg, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper
sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit." So I broke
the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left
a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
 
Not really a joke persay but the way people use these words sometimes are!

from: Legalize the right to bitchslap stupid people's photo.

they, they're, their, your, you're.jpg
 
I used to proofread my roommate's, and several other friends' reports when I was in college and grad school, because they could never get all that stuff straight.

It doesn't annoy me much. Think about it, the English language really IS confusing!
 
The Dreaded Phone Call..

My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"
.
.
.
.
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."
 
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
 
This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire.

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...
 
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
 
In church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a
prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with
you.

She said,
Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...you have taken
my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael
Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress
Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and, now, my
favorite announcer Dick Clark. I just wanted you to know that my
favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Amen.
 
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia Stateline. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my a$$ to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
 
Edited last joke by deleting it and adding this article about a dumb thief....It's not really a joke, but he is. :)
 
Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....


The allergists voted to scratch it..
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
It did not matter, the HMOs killed it anyway.
 
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in li fe.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
 
Golf Club Instructions

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE! NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
 
OK, not really a joke, but pretty funny, and in no way meant to be racist. Just a play on words...
 

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Just when you think a person can't get any dumber.....
This will cleanse the gene pool a little.


chainsaw guy.jpg


I know, I saw it right away too ..... No safety glasses or hearing protection!

And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack!
 
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