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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
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PUNOGRAPHY....some of these are funny! ! ! ! ! ! !
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington is obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Never fall in love with a tennis player because, to a tennis player, love means nothing.
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington is obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Never fall in love with a tennis player because, to a tennis player, love means nothing.
A priest was invited to attend a house party.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at,he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at,he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah!
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first, and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he’d just scored his first ever hole-in-one, when his mobile rang. It was their family doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident, and was in a critical condition in ICU.
The man told the doctor to tell his wife that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital, but ended up playing all 18.
Finishing his round with a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best by more than 10, he was jubilant.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital, and seeing the doctor in the corridor asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and said, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out playing for the past four hours, enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been critical in the ICU!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round, because it will more than likely be your last. For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and not to mention the hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed. The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead...... what'd you shoot?"
On the third hole he’d just scored his first ever hole-in-one, when his mobile rang. It was their family doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident, and was in a critical condition in ICU.
The man told the doctor to tell his wife that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital, but ended up playing all 18.
Finishing his round with a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best by more than 10, he was jubilant.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital, and seeing the doctor in the corridor asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and said, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out playing for the past four hours, enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been critical in the ICU!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round, because it will more than likely be your last. For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and not to mention the hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed. The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead...... what'd you shoot?"
Now that the new Mars rover has landed on our neighboring planet, they are releasing pictures to the public of some of the best ever taken pictures from outer space. They think they may have found proof that life exists on our nearest planetary neighbor, and they have also posted some pictures of the Milky Way as seen from the surface of Mars.
Truly breathtaking photos, if I don't say so myself!!!
Truly breathtaking photos, if I don't say so myself!!!
Attachments
While leading a tour of Kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an X-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone"? he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt"?
"No."
"Really? Which bone did you break"?
"My sister's arm."
"Have you ever broken a bone"? he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt"?
"No."
"Really? Which bone did you break"?
"My sister's arm."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything
I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead
of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What, are you kidding??? And catch a disease for ten lousy dollars?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex".
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything
I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead
of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What, are you kidding??? And catch a disease for ten lousy dollars?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex".
lamajama
Well-Known Member
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Subject: Newspaper
My older friend was visiting his daughter and son-in-law last night when he asked if he could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century, old man,” his son-in-law said. “We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.”
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit its ass...
My older friend was visiting his daughter and son-in-law last night when he asked if he could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century, old man,” his son-in-law said. “We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.”
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit its ass...
lamajama
Well-Known Member
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Mansfield, Ohio, for $200.00. They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Ohio?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ohio.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Mansfield, Ohio, for $200.00. They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Ohio?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ohio.
An old man went to his druggist. He asked for Viagra and for each pill to be cut into quarters.
The druggist said that a 1/4 pill won't give you much of an erection.
The old man replied "I'm 90 years old, I don't want an erection, i just want enough to straighten it out so I don't pee on my slippers at night.
The druggist said that a 1/4 pill won't give you much of an erection.
The old man replied "I'm 90 years old, I don't want an erection, i just want enough to straighten it out so I don't pee on my slippers at night.
lamajama
Well-Known Member
And now, an intelligent joke.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied.
"I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
************************
A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replies, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
***************************************************
I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is. She bought me some Viagra, and I've bought her a treadmill.
%^&*()
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied.
"I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
************************
A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replies, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
***************************************************
I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is. She bought me some Viagra, and I've bought her a treadmill.
%^&*()
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any
underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit
his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked while you were
under the table?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted
that, well, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of
this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that
since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that
John should be at her house around 2.00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the
planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of
$500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had
promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" A
little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after
mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
asked to borrow $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any
underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit
his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked while you were
under the table?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted
that, well, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of
this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that
since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that
John should be at her house around 2.00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the
planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of
$500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had
promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" A
little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after
mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
asked to borrow $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
HA!!! Love it! :lol:
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
You've built a Golf Course?"
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
You've built a Golf Course?"
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill ...and see if it happens again."
The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill ...and see if it happens again."
scottozy
New Member
A married couple with young children decided they needed to use a code word when around the children if they wanted to have sex.
The code word they picked was 'TYPEWRITER'
A few days later the husband was in the yard and said to his 3 year old daughter, go tell mummy I want to use the typewriter to write a letter'
The girl tells her mother this, and says to the girl, tell your daddy that he can't use the typewriter right now as its only got red ink in it.
A few days later the wife tells the little girl to tell her father he can use the typewriter now of he wants.
The young girls tells her father this, and the father replies, go tell your mother it's ok, I don't need the typewriter now, I wrote the letter by hand.
The code word they picked was 'TYPEWRITER'
A few days later the husband was in the yard and said to his 3 year old daughter, go tell mummy I want to use the typewriter to write a letter'
The girl tells her mother this, and says to the girl, tell your daddy that he can't use the typewriter right now as its only got red ink in it.
A few days later the wife tells the little girl to tell her father he can use the typewriter now of he wants.
The young girls tells her father this, and the father replies, go tell your mother it's ok, I don't need the typewriter now, I wrote the letter by hand.
What happened to the "Bee" joke? Must have edited it out and replaced it with this one....both are funny.
