Crisso, I figured you would get it.....wonder if anyone else got it?
Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
- Start date
I got it, but had to look at it twice. The thing on her arm wasn't clear enough to see right off.
I was in a pub on Saturday night and had a few too many...I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's Wales you friggin idiot!"
So, I immedediately appologized and said ... "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing that I remember ...
One of them chirped: "It's Wales you friggin idiot!"
So, I immedediately appologized and said ... "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing that I remember ...
At least you recovered enough to post it. LOL 
bigJake
Well-Known Member
ahh I see, Shrimp on the Barbie. Sorry ya lost yer pet ferrett SDB but playin with them dolls should take yer mind off it.
Jake...
Thanks for kind words about Badger.
Actually I like the living dolls types much better.....gotta go she calling
Thanks for kind words about Badger.
Actually I like the living dolls types much better.....gotta go she calling
You lost your buddy? Shiat. Sorry to hear that...
Sorry if I don't read many of the other threads to catch this kind of stuff.
Sorry if I don't read many of the other threads to catch this kind of stuff.
FRIGID PARROT
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Understanding Derivatives ....Made Simple
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit ...
She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.
To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS.
These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.
Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But, being unemployed alcoholics -- they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.
They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.
Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.
The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, mainly non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.
Now do you understand?
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit ...
She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.
To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS.
These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.
Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But, being unemployed alcoholics -- they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.
They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.
Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.
The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, mainly non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.
Now do you understand?
Not a new joke, but a continuation.....
I think I know Heidi and her bar. But unfortunately the MLCC (Michigan Liquor control commission) stepped in and closed her down soon after they heard that she was selling booze on credit. They let her reopen a week later after getting paid off and getting promised they would get BOGO on shots or beer. She used to have 14 employees but one was hired by the MLCC (informant) and the other 2 were hired by the former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick as gardener and butler in his new Texas rental home.....after he was released from prison. Supposedly after paying about $5-6K a month in Rental, he asked the judge to reduce his "agreed" upon payment to the city of Detroit (for stealing millions$) of a couple hundred per month down to about $166 per month. At this rate his great-grand kids may have to finish paying the city back.....if there is a city of Detroit by then.
I think I know Heidi and her bar. But unfortunately the MLCC (Michigan Liquor control commission) stepped in and closed her down soon after they heard that she was selling booze on credit. They let her reopen a week later after getting paid off and getting promised they would get BOGO on shots or beer. She used to have 14 employees but one was hired by the MLCC (informant) and the other 2 were hired by the former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick as gardener and butler in his new Texas rental home.....after he was released from prison. Supposedly after paying about $5-6K a month in Rental, he asked the judge to reduce his "agreed" upon payment to the city of Detroit (for stealing millions$) of a couple hundred per month down to about $166 per month. At this rate his great-grand kids may have to finish paying the city back.....if there is a city of Detroit by then.
Last edited by a moderator:
RodInEscondido
Well-Known Member
A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding,
and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really
miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people
in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate
waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter
again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait,
but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is
over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible.
Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St.
Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a
minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really
miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people
in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate
waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter
again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait,
but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is
over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible.
Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St.
Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a
minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
lamajama
Well-Known Member
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there.
So, instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." She socked me one."
The first guy replied, "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties.'
But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered b**ch.'
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there.
So, instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." She socked me one."
The first guy replied, "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties.'
But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered b**ch.'
Sink
New Member
"What I meant to say was, Please pass the salt and pepper."
What did you say?
I said, "YOU BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE FOREVER!!!"
Same joke... Very funny stuff!!!!
Ok, this is a visual joke but I will give it a try!
A little boy walked past the brothel everyday on his way to school. Every morning the madam was sitting on her front porch and she would say, "HI LITTLE BOY" and waive her little finger at him. Every night on his way home she would say, "HI LITTLE BOY" and waive her little finger at him. This went on for months! Finally one day the little boy stopped and asked, "why do you always say "HI LITTLE BOY" and waive your little finger at me? The madam replied, "That's how big your little unit is!"
The little boy goes on to school. Later that day on his way home, he walked by the brothel and the madam says, "HI LITTLE BOY!", waiving her little finger at him.
The little boy stretches his mouth as wide as he could with his fingers and replies, "HI LADY!"
What did you say?
I said, "YOU BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE FOREVER!!!"
Same joke... Very funny stuff!!!!
Ok, this is a visual joke but I will give it a try!
A little boy walked past the brothel everyday on his way to school. Every morning the madam was sitting on her front porch and she would say, "HI LITTLE BOY" and waive her little finger at him. Every night on his way home she would say, "HI LITTLE BOY" and waive her little finger at him. This went on for months! Finally one day the little boy stopped and asked, "why do you always say "HI LITTLE BOY" and waive your little finger at me? The madam replied, "That's how big your little unit is!"
The little boy goes on to school. Later that day on his way home, he walked by the brothel and the madam says, "HI LITTLE BOY!", waiving her little finger at him.
The little boy stretches his mouth as wide as he could with his fingers and replies, "HI LADY!"
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Seven Kinds of Sex ....
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.
2nd kind of sex is called "Kitchen Sex"
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say .... 'F**k You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ..
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.
2nd kind of sex is called "Kitchen Sex"
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say .... 'F**k You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ..
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.
bigJake
Well-Known Member
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
When Money Died and Went to
Heaven
A 10 dollar bill, a 5 dollar bill, and a
100 dollar bill all die and go to
heaven.
God sees the 1 dollar bill and says
he's been good, so he let him in. He
also let the 5 dollar bill in for being
good.
When the 100 dollar bill went up to
him, God said "Hmm, well I never see
YOU in church."
Heaven
A 10 dollar bill, a 5 dollar bill, and a
100 dollar bill all die and go to
heaven.
God sees the 1 dollar bill and says
he's been good, so he let him in. He
also let the 5 dollar bill in for being
good.
When the 100 dollar bill went up to
him, God said "Hmm, well I never see
YOU in church."
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra"singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your behind?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra"singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your behind?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Buddy! I laughed my butt off. So did my wife!
Some of those really struck home!
Some of those really struck home!
Garage Sale????????....paybacks can be he**
Early one evening, a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff"? asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
Early one evening, a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff"? asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
Old one...
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door. A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door. A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
My wife currently has a day off with a stomach bug, so this one is extremely funny to her!
Don't tell her I told you all this....:cheers:
Don't tell her I told you all this....:cheers:
Hey Mrs. Scooper guess what Mr Scooper said....
3 things are funny here----- your nickname scooper, the excrement , and your dog is in the profile......IE: Pooper Scooper
3 things are funny here----- your nickname scooper, the excrement , and your dog is in the profile......IE: Pooper Scooper
scooper is the name of my daily-use email. It is used to "scoop" up all the "poop" emails, ie. spam.
So you are dead-on correct, buddy! It is my pooper-scooper email address, which accidentally became my on-line handle.
Do a google search of scooper77515, I dare you...
So you are dead-on correct, buddy! It is my pooper-scooper email address, which accidentally became my on-line handle.
Do a google search of scooper77515, I dare you...
WOW! I just did the google search myself. Scary stuff pops up!!!:lol:
Guns, motorcycles, linux, fishing and skiing on lake houston, gps, hemi trucks, v8 laden ford mavericks, boats, mustangs, metal detectors, seadoos and jet boats.
All kinds of fun stuff!
Guns, motorcycles, linux, fishing and skiing on lake houston, gps, hemi trucks, v8 laden ford mavericks, boats, mustangs, metal detectors, seadoos and jet boats.
All kinds of fun stuff!
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