Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[Seadoobuddy]

Perfect Casting

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jackie Chan and Jean Claude Van Damme decided to team up with Stephen Spielberg to make the greatest action movie ever made about a crack team of time-traveling classical composers who fight crime. When it came time to cast the rolls, Spielberg decided to allow the actors to decide which composer to portray.

He sat them down at a table and told them to choose. Jackie Chan responded first by saying "I would like to be Beethoven, as his wide range of compositions would lend itself well to my wide range of martial arts moves."

Jean Claude Van Damme then said "I think I would like to be Tchachovsky, as his graceful compositions in ballet mirror my own training.

Finally, after some moment of silence, Spielberg, Van Damme and Chan looked over at Arnold, expectantly. Spielberg finally broke the silence by saying, impatiently: "Well??"

Arnold looked up, apparently deep in thought, and said:

"I'll be Bach."

 

[lamajama]

MYRON Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his Accountant, SAUL Meyers.

MYRON: (pleading): "Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?"

Saul (calming); "Myron, don't worry about it. I've got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it's no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you've got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they'll go easy on you."

Then Myron called his Lawyer, CHARLIE Steinberg. His Lawyer said:

"Myron it's no problem, I'm sure they got the receipts, I'm sure everything is up to date, you've got a great accountant, don't worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit, it's very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you."

And now he's torn. And that night he bumped into his RABBI at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.

RABBI: "Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride's father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe...cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, 'Don't be silly. Wear a low cut "negligee" with the cleavage sticking out --- look a little sexy'.... and Myron I will say to you just like I say to the Bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you're gonna get screwed"....

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Brains

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politicians brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politicians brain? Why on earth is that?"


"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"

 

[lamajama]

A woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my
vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage
stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas"

 

[racerxxx]

A woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my
vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage
stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas"

Omg, that's priceless!

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk 2

 

[lamajama]

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a Mirror...
remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...

"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she Prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

 

[RodInEscondido]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says. The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!”

Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”

 

[lamajama]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST
ROMANTIC SECOND LINE

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other ...
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

 

[Seadoobuddy]

LJ that was great, unfortunately some held true for me .

Lawn & Garden

Now, today’s lawn & garden tip. If you haven’t found the hedge trimmer yet, forget it. It’s almost time now to lose the leaf rake.

It's fall, that time when the colors change form green to red to gold -- and that's just the gunk in your swimming pool.

Autumn is a great time of the year. Soon those ugly patches of dead grass in your lawn will be covered up -- with ugly patches of dead leaves, soon to be covered up by SNOW (for us Northerners).

(I added the last part after the leaves. )

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Classified ads somewhere

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.


FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog


NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby


GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. $375 Call Stephanie.

 

[lamajama]

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN
RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

 

[scooper77515]

Male Logic
Woman:
Do you drink beer?




Man:Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accountingfor compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

 

[lamajama]

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel for her 65th birthday. She was a bit lonely, so she thought,"I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself "Tender Tony"---a very handsome man with assorted physical skills, flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs. She felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well oiled bum---She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, Ma'am, how may I help you?"---Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right into it: "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and
give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements. toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night--tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now, how does that sound?”
He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but first you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

[Seadoobuddy]

This is why women carry hand bags at the beach.


Hand_Bag.mp4

........OK, this didn't turn out to be a "hotlink" so just copy and paste it into your browser to view it

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Not really a joke but some are really funny.


19 Idiotic (But Real) Travel Complaints

A vacation is supposed to be your time away from the crazy. Remind me never to travel to any of the same vacation spots these people have booked. I'll take that upgrade and trade you a bus tour of "OH MY GOD THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS!"

--

These are actual complaints received from dissatisfied customers by Thomas Cook Vacations (based on a Thomas Cook/ABTA survey):

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." ...imagine that.

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." ...I guess they wanted blacktop beach?????

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." ...is this like yellow snow???

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." ...stiff all day???

8. "No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." ....awwww poor baby!!...use a knife dumby

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." ....mmmm Spanish speaking people in Spain....what will they think of next????

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." is one smaller than 3?

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." ...must be blonde hairdressers

15. "There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." ........ Did they go to Mexico or Spain???

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

[RodInEscondido]

re: travel complaints ... does anybody really wonder why the world is in such sad shape?
Rod

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Spelling Test

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Grandma's Pie

Granny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."

"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"

"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.

Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full.

Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.

Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"

 

[lamajama]

THE CRYSTAL BALL



IN A DARK AND HAZY ROOM, PEERING INTO A CRYSTAL BALL, THE MYSTIC DELIVERED GRAVE NEWS:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
yourself to be a widow.

Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Phyl stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on. Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."

 

[bigJake]

What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to
scream 'prejudice' these days................


A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you
ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

[lamajama]

Some Non-Partisan Humour

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished
by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
now I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal: If they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter
to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better
to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals
at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
~That is pollution.

What happens if all of them drown?
~That is a solution.

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Looking Good!

Soon after their last child left home for college, Linda's husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap.

She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

P.S. he gets out of the hospital in 2 days.....

 

[Seadoobuddy]

This sounds like an older Jewish or Italian mother.......

Feeling Weak

A man called his mother in Florida.

"Mom, how are you"?

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak"?

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days"?

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

 

[Matt Braley]

She had a W tattooed on one cheek and a tattoo of a W on the other cheek and when she bent over..............WOW!