Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
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RodInEscondido
Well-Known Member
Kinda makes your butt pucker up just looking at the picture.
Rod
oops, this intended for the pic of the brainiac with the chainsaw
Rod
oops, this intended for the pic of the brainiac with the chainsaw
lamajama
Well-Known Member
How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 40 and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?
ANSWER:
CANADIAN POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights. And is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'...Reload...BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!').
QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 40 and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?
ANSWER:
CANADIAN POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights. And is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'...Reload...BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!').
3 quotes for today:
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" ~ Steven Wright.
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there, I carry on as usual."
~ Patrick Moore
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." ~ Groucho Marx
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" ~ Steven Wright.
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there, I carry on as usual."
~ Patrick Moore
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." ~ Groucho Marx
lamajama
Well-Known Member
It's claimed these responses are real, but.......
#11, is hands down the best response!
Too good not to pass along! ! ! !
Who's your baby's Daddy?
The following are all replies that different Detroit women have written on Child Support
Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Information', or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon
McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she
was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window
when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that
I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600
East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex
was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks...
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole
made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations
in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his
cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing
right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he
did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is
the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did
a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than
going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of
beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY WALK AMONG US AND NO DOUBT VOTE SEVERAL TIMES IN EVERY
ELECTION. THEY ARE THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY!
#11, is hands down the best response!
Too good not to pass along! ! ! !
Who's your baby's Daddy?
The following are all replies that different Detroit women have written on Child Support
Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Information', or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon
McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she
was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window
when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that
I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600
East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex
was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks...
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole
made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations
in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his
cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing
right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he
did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is
the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did
a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than
going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of
beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY WALK AMONG US AND NO DOUBT VOTE SEVERAL TIMES IN EVERY
ELECTION. THEY ARE THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY!
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit , there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Jack replied, "Nonsense! I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enrol your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm the tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
"I've been transferred to Detroit , there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Jack replied, "Nonsense! I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enrol your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm the tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
that one made me laugh out loud :lols:
Spimothy Leary
Well-Known Member
25 reasons I owe my mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
Spim, I think I've heard most of those in my youngin' days.
2 jokes....well almost jokes anyways....
Beer Fox Laugh of the Week
A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
---
A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on Main Street when the door of the Hearst flies open and the coffin falls out then slides down Main Street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lid pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
2 jokes....well almost jokes anyways....
Beer Fox Laugh of the Week
A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
---
A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on Main Street when the door of the Hearst flies open and the coffin falls out then slides down Main Street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lid pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
Tea Party
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know . . ... ) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know . . ... ) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Sorry I haven't contributed in a while...
“The Woman Marine Pilot”
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular types of stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
Janie, do you have a story to share?
Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife!
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
Good Heavens, said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
“The Woman Marine Pilot”
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular types of stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
Janie, do you have a story to share?
Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife!
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
Good Heavens, said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
This woman looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona
or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a
shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to those good looking chicks over there instead of you."
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on,
what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday???"
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I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so
loudly, I nearly fell in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a
shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to those good looking chicks over there instead of you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on,
what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday???"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so
loudly, I nearly fell in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
I like the beer tap joke......
A daughter is visiting her father.She asks, "Tell me Dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad
we gave you for your birthday?"
This is in a foreign tongue, but you'll understand his answer.
http://www.snotr.com/video/8965
A daughter is visiting her father.She asks, "Tell me Dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad
we gave you for your birthday?"
This is in a foreign tongue, but you'll understand his answer.
http://www.snotr.com/video/8965
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:- Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
The father replied "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:- Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
The father replied "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Spimothy Leary
Well-Known Member
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife, then asked "is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered "yes."
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the dog"
Shocked I answered "yes."
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the dog"
lamajama
Well-Known Member
CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
The priest fainted
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
The priest fainted
lamajama
Well-Known Member
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We"re going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongorian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opewate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!"
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We"re going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongorian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opewate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!"
Spimothy Leary
Well-Known Member
lamajama
Well-Known Member
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for
a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this
man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we wept together. When
I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years".
Apparently I'm still lost .... it's a man thing.
a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this
man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we wept together. When
I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years".
Apparently I'm still lost .... it's a man thing.
Show Me A Sign!
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.
I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.
I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
Ruskeyjdm
Active Member
Got one for you guys
Husband and his wife live together in a house by the river.
Husband loves to fish and would constantly go fishing very early in the morning.
One early morning he wakes up while its still dark, quietly slides out of bed and gets ready to go down to the river.
He grabs his rods and makes it halfway to his favorite fishing hole and it starts raining. He decides to head back home since it doesn't let up.
He gets to the house in the dark, quietly undresses as to not wake the wife up, slides under the covers only to hear his wife whisper.... "it's about time you came, ive been waiting, my stupid husband is out fishing in this weather"
Husband and his wife live together in a house by the river.
Husband loves to fish and would constantly go fishing very early in the morning.
One early morning he wakes up while its still dark, quietly slides out of bed and gets ready to go down to the river.
He grabs his rods and makes it halfway to his favorite fishing hole and it starts raining. He decides to head back home since it doesn't let up.
He gets to the house in the dark, quietly undresses as to not wake the wife up, slides under the covers only to hear his wife whisper.... "it's about time you came, ive been waiting, my stupid husband is out fishing in this weather"
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