Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[b15philly]

When I take a long @ work

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

 

[scooper77515]

Lots of good additions! Keep em coming!!! :biggrinjester:

 

[Marco1]

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

 

[Marco1]

I love this one

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."



HAHAHAHA.Maybe its not that funny, night shift at 3am I get a little delerious lol

 

[Marco1]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

 

[Marco1]

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

IYIYI


Ok these are retarded sorry,im done.

 

[scooper77515]

Ok these are retarded sorry,im done.

Not at all. This is the perfect place for cute, clean jokes. Keep em coming. :cheers:

 

[JoeZ]

Ok these are retarded sorry,im done.

lol that was possibly the funniest one...

:cheers:

 

[Meme N Pop]

An Indian man rode his wild caught mustang to work every day. And he always noticed his co-worker with with a 67 mustang passing him on the road like he was standing still.

So one day he said "I see you have a mustang too but can I ask you a question, Why do you drive it so fast?"

The co-worker replied "It makes it run cooler"

So a couple of days later the co-worker sees the indian standing on the side of the road beside his dead horse and stops to see what the problem is.

"What's wrong with your horse?" he says

The indian replies "Must have froze to death"

 

[Meme N Pop]

Couple of guys were driving down the road drinking a beer. Pretty soon there are lights and sirens behind them.

So the driver says "Quick peel the label off your bottle and stick it on your forehead"

The officer walks up to the car and asks "You boys been drinking tonight?"

To which the driver quickly replies "Oh, no sir, we're on the patch!"

 

[scooper77515]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.


He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'





She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark .

 

[moosehead]

Guy walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under one arm, his wife is laying in bed.

Guy says "This is the pig I've been sleeping with."

Wife says, "Dumbarse, that's not a pig, it's a sheep!"

Guy says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you!"

 

[scooper77515]

Oooooh! :reddevil:

 

[seadooya]

gididy,gididy.....

what you call a girl, thats with 2 dudes...............



Sharon Peters

:hat:

 

[scooper77515]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

 

[scooper77515]

Oh, Sharon Peters! I get it! :hurray:

 

[scooper77515]

I hope this isn't too dirty. Delete if needed.

As a reminder, Medical Clarification: The Medical distinction between Guts and Balls:



There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard
about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference
between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

 

[scooper77515]

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from the University of Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

 

[moosehead]

Last summer, down on the lake, some folks were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new Yamaha jetboat to perform.

It wouldn't plane out and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of this frustration, they sheepishly putted over to a nearby marina, hoping someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The twin engines ran fine, jetdrives were clear, bilge was dry, and electronics squared away.

Finally, someone elected to jump in the water to check the hull.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

 

[scooper77515]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the (s-word) inside!"

 

[scooper77515]

How Tequila works.

Clik on pik...

 

[moosehead]

Note to self: cut back on the tequila


Father and son are walking down the sidewalk, and witness two dogs going at it.

Son asks "Dad, what are they doing?" Dad replies, "Well son, they're making puppies."

A few days later son walks in on mom and dad, going at it.

Son asks, "Dad, what are you doing?" Dad replies, "Well son, we're making babies."

Son says, "Hey Dad, could you flip her over, I want a puppy!"

 

[moosehead]

What killed Captain Hook?







Jock Itch.

 

[rdollie]

This is an oldy but goody I've heard it with 'Bayliner', 'Cobalt', etc. inserted where Yamaha is in this variant.

I did read a true story once of a person who needed to get his trailer from one island to another one close by and they succeeded without sinking somehow.

Last summer, down on the lake, some folks were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new Yamaha jetboat to perform.

It wouldn't plane out and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of this frustration, they sheepishly putted over to a nearby marina, hoping someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The twin engines ran fine, jetdrives were clear, bilge was dry, and electronics squared away.

Finally, someone elected to jump in the water to check the hull.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

 

[scooper77515]

It should work.

My XP was hooked to its trailer by a piece of dock-line, and chained to a piling under a beach house. After several hurricanes and the owners not coming down to move it, it floated around carrying the trailer around with it.

When I got it, it had been through 3 hurricanes, under the house for several years without running, and floating the trailer around the entire time.

I thought for sure it would be full of salt water and seized up, but it was actually in pretty good shape.

So, even if it is not a true story, I don't doubt that it "could" happen.

Also, after one of those hurricanes, my dad's catamaran sailboat ended up about a mile away from home with the trailer still attached. We just drove up to it, slid it back onto the trailer where it belonged (it landed with the nose(es) forward of the rollers), and towed it back home.

I don't have a picture of the boat, but here is a pic of my parents' front yard after the storm...The boat was way back about 6 houses back, and actually ended up on the island's city hall parking lot lodged against a telephone pole.

The picture is about 2 days later after the water had receded and they let the owners back onto the island.